A Dolly Discourse
What a week! I mean it must of been this very time last week old Jeremy Hunt was finalising his speech for the budget. So let me get this clear, his very words were "Madame Speaker British ale is warm but the duty on a pint is frozen." Now, you know me I don't like to talk politics in the boozer, I'm just not that type of pub landlady. The last discussion we had in the Mankey Bush pub (Gastro Free-house I'll have you know) was how bad Minty Micks breath was, don't know how it got on to climate change. Apparently someone said he's been banned from Australia as it was his breath that cause all that grief last year. But I digress, is Hunty on drugs? No-one can afford a pint? Let alone worry about the duty.
Firstly, he needs to talk to the brewers, cause the last time I checked they're putting up prices quicker than Boris Johnsons arm for random knighthoods. At least it's not up skirts (International women's day and all that) And apparently the draught relief is to continue, is he winding me up? The draft ain't stopped in the public bar! They're so bleeding cold in there they tried to start a bonfire in the centre of the pool table, well I've turned the heating off haven't I. To be honest, they wound Freddie Fire Fingers up so much he started making a flint out of the pool cue and pulling the legs of me chairs. Not only, do I now have to carry out care in the community duties (They don't call me Pockie Hontis for nothing) I have to keep them all warm. And they still call me a tight cow, I've been getting away with murder thou on their beer heads. Talk about grabbing at straws, I'm dishing out 10cm heads. Oi leave it, that was back in the day. No I took a business class on yields and I've gained a bit back, but I have lost six customers. That was the domino team. They said they couldn't hold their domino bones straight, I said "leave it out you can't even hold them straight in a heatwave, just look at the state of my urinals." They'll return, it's too cold to sit over the park.
did however stick the heating on for Mothers Day, I really can't have Freddie Fire Fingers making another appearance. Was it appreciated? Of course it wasn't. I had some right Mrs Bouquets in. One of them said, "I thought you were gastro?" I said we are love, we've got French mayonnaise and mustard". She was so shocked she couldn't speak, I continued "We've also got Whelks and Mash on the go. You don't get that down to the Two Cocks darling." To be honest, I was a bit stoned my Bianca got me some lovely cup cakes for Mothers Day, she didn't tell me she slipped in half an ounce of puff. Talk about off me tits. My lips were stuck to me teeth for three hours. I got a zoom call from my Ronnie he's still over Ibiza with his laptop dancing club. Entrepreneurs see the pair of them, so proud...